did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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