in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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