i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
