So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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