Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
