Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
