i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
