i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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