If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
