Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
