he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
