You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
