I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
