I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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