I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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