Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
