My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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