as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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