Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
