god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
