i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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