He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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