i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
