I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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