My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
