Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
