pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's never too late to be topless.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
