Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
