who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
