TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
