I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
