i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
