I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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