just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
