i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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