He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
