6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
