trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
