As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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