I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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