Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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