Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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