If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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