I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
