If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
