before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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