i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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