So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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