My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
