What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
